The Science behind Why Thoughtful Apologies Matter and the Theology That Explains Why Repentance Matters More
Spiritual Life
Audio By Carbonatix
By Amber Ginter, Crosswalk.com
New research suggests apologies are most effective when they are longer, thoughtful, and show genuine reflection. While quick “I’m sorry” statements often fall flat, carefully acknowledging harm and taking responsibility can help restore trust. Scientists note that reconciliation depends on sincerity, not speed.
A few weeks ago, I found myself staring at a mom and daughter in TJ Maxx. The teenager was getting mouthy, and the mom was getting tired. When the mom threatened to put back the clothes she was going to purchase for her daughter, the daughter spat out a half-hearted "I'm sorry." The mom seemed pleased, and the two went on their way. But today, I still can't get that scenario out of my mind. When did insincere forgiveness start to count as genuine repentance?
If human relationships require depth and honesty to heal, how much more should our repentance before God reflect true contrition and a heart turned back to Him?
How Does the Bible Define Repentance?
By definition, repentance means to turn from sin and dedicate oneself to the amendment of one's life. It does include feeling regret or feeling compelled to change one's mind, but a Biblical definition means turning from sin, changing your mind, and changing your actions. As Paul says in Acts 26:20, "I preached that they should repent and turn to God and demonstrate their repentance by their deeds" (Acts 26:20b, NIV).
When we utter, "I'm sorry," we might mean well for the offense we caused, but it's our heart, actions, and mind, moving forward, that matter most. People need to know that we're sincere in our apology, and not just attempting to cheaply cover up a wound with mere masking tape. True repentance in this example would mean acknowledging that we caused the wound, but then helping to provide the ointment, band-aid, and recovery moving forward. It's a commitment to turn from our actions that caused harm and do our best not to cause that wound or harm again.
In Psalm 51:17, we see that God desires a broken and contrite heart when we do wrong. He doesn't want us to half-heartedly mutter "I'm sorry," like the teenager with no intent to change at TJ Maxx. No, God wants our "I'm sorry" to be proven through our actions. He wants to see a physical and spiritual change within us and how we choose to live.
"My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise" (NIV). As this Psalm references a verse earlier, God doesn't want more sacrifices, promises, or lip-service; He wants and has always desired your heart. And if we confess, repent, and turn from that sin, He is faithful to forgive.
Does that mean that moving on and changing is easy? Absolutely not. But 1 John 1:9 is a promise that He will be with us: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness" (NIV). And why does God forgive our sins? Because He loves us deeply and truly only wants the best for us.
God doesn't ask us to repent and turn from sin because He's bossy or trying to control our lives. No, like a good parent, He only wants the best for us. He has our interests and heart in mind, and wants us to be like Him. 2 Corinthians 7:10 defines it this way: Godly sorrow brings repentance leading to salvation.
We repent because we have all sinned and need Jesus to save us. But we need daily repentance when we fail to live in alignment with the will of God that has been set for us. This not only keeps our hearts soft and humble, but totally and utterly dependent on Him to see us through.
As Got Questions beautifully summarizes, "Repentance, properly defined, is necessary for salvation. Biblical repentance is changing your mind about your sin—no longer is sin something to toy with; it is something to be forsaken as you “flee from the coming wrath” (Matthew 3:7). It is also changing your mind about Jesus Christ—no longer is He to be mocked, discounted, or ignored; He is the Savior to be clung to; He is the Lord to be worshiped and adored."
How Do Forgiveness and Repentance Affect Me?
What does this practically mean for us today? As scientists and God have noted over and over again, we need to act with true repentance when we do something wrong. With God, we need to bear our hearts before Him. Confess your sins, ask Him to forgive, and boldly pray that He will reveal things in your heart that need to be cleansed. This isn't a one-and-done phenomenon, but something we should pray daily. All of us need Jesus, and we need Him all day, every day.
Second, when you hurt someone in society (even accidentally), it's important to give authentic and vulnerable apologies. Don't just say "I'm sorry" without trying to understand what you did and learn from the experience. As we seek to heal these horizontal relationships with humans, God seeks to restore us and our hearts vertically as we become more like Him.
As Christians, we have a high calling when it comes to repentance. It isn't enough to give lip service or mutter half-hearted apologies. We must offer thoughtful apologies that reflect Christ's humility and seek genuine repentance in our relationships with Christ and those around us.
Today, I call each of us to a test of self-examination. Psalm 129:23-24 is something we can pray every morning or evening as we ask the Lord to clean and purify our hearts: "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting" (NIV).
Then, ask yourself these questions:
- Is my repentance thoughtful or rushed?
- Do I repent because I feel bad or because I truly want to change?
- How can I show those I've hurt or offended that I do care?
- What's one way I can sit with and process my emotions this week instead of rushing to get rid of the uncomfortable feelings?
- How can God teach me in these moments of repentance?
- Is there someone I have offended that I need to apologize to?
A Prayer for True Forgiveness and Repentance
Dear God,
In a world of half-hearted apologies and quick cover-ups of "I'm sorry," teach us to be different. Teach us to be your people who are filled with truth, humility, and grace. When we offend others, give us sincere apologies and speak healing through us. When we wrong you, lead us to repent and not be ashamed. Help us to change our thoughts and actions, so that we can fully worship and honor you.
Break hard hearts, heal wounded hearts, and remind us that we can forgive because you first forgave us. We love, praise, and thank you, Jesus. Let true repentance take root in our hearts today. Take my heart, and test it before you, Lord. Examine it and make me right with you and others.
Amen.
Photo Credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/jeffbergen
Amber Ginter is a teacher-turned-author who loves Jesus, her husband Ben, and granola. Growing up Amber looked for faith and mental health resources and found none. Today, she offers hope for young Christians struggling with mental illness that goes beyond simply reading your Bible and praying more. Because you can love Jesus and still suffer from anxiety. You can download her top faith and mental health resources for free to help navigate books, podcasts, videos, and influencers from a faith lens perspective. Visit her website at amberginter.com.
